Slow descent into madness: Why I am cranky all the time now.

Note: This is not going to be a funny or amusing piece in any way. Just me complaining. You have been warned.

I haven't been writing as frequently because we seem to be in that period of time where all the exams and studying for finals converge into one big mess. However, the Ruhlman conference is later today meaning I don't have to go to work so I feel slightly less guilty about staying up to type something up. Besides, I like being able to write something _not_ about the role of Euripides in Ancient Greek Tragedy, or how element of the artist has dissolved in a Post-War mobile representing an abstracted lobster tail.

Lately I've just had a lot of pent up anxiety about the future. I know that sounds cliche and I know this definitely will NOT be the last time I feel the way I do but it all seems to be pooling up right now. A few weeks ago, I was worrying about what classes to take and then I had an anxiety attack about my proposed "major". Screw that, I don't even know if I want that to be my major or what I really want to do with my life. In high school I was pretty good at what I think I want to do but at the AP and college level that hasn't really been the case. What I've been proven good at is not necessarily the most profitable field either. And if I do stick with my original major(because I'm fairly sure double majoring will be incredibly difficult so let's just stick with one) HOW THE EFF AM I SUPPOSED TO FIT IN ALL MY CLASSES??? Sorry for that moment of insanity but I don't even really know if I'm actually good at what I'm doing(the second unprofitable major) or I just haven't gotten to the harder levels. Frankly, being barraged by exams and assignments is not doing awesome things for my psyche-it makes me feel like there's nothing I'm good at academically. I used to think that I felt overwhelmed in high school but I think that was just me spinning my wheels. I _actually_ think I'm out of my element here. Sometimes I think that I should have chosen a different school where I could do better in class. I do love Wellesley but my goodness it drives me nuts sometimes.

Furthermore, as summer approaches everyone is talking about the awesome things they're going to do; travelling, working internationally, researching. Now to be fair, I know that I am very lucky to have any job at all because it's a tough market and there are still a lot of seniors who are unemployed which is a much larger issue than mine. I guess I just had the false idea that when everyone said we have a vast and affluent network of alumnae, that meant that finding a job would happen within a matter of days/weeks. It doesn't.

I think that with all of this going on that I've been neglecting friends and family way more than I should be and for that I apologize. I'm just scared and confused and frustrated and...well basically all the negative things. Trying to keep it together for the next 2 and half weeks until I'm home and all of this is (hopefully) resolved. Hoping my dignity and GPA survive.