Trying to find a way out of the labyrinth

So begins another week.

But I don't really want it to begin. There's lots of work to be done but I don't want to do it.

We're about to enter the first round of exams so I should be running in top form but frankly all I want to do is sit somewhere quiet by myself for awhile.

I think because it's such a crunch time that this is the last time I would want to take a break and be kind to myself....so that's exactly what I'm going to do. I don't know how much it will help but it certainly can't hurt right?

It's so easy to be judgmental and critical of ourselves. It's one of those times when I thought I was at least keeping my head above water and treading in place but now it feels like I'm going backwards while everyone else is going forwards. I don't know how much of the time that's actually justified but I figure that it couldn't possibly hurt to be kind to oneself.

Granted, it feels like such a short-term fix; the things that I want, that would make me feel more secure are somewhat out of my control. But spring is only a few weeks away, so there's that.

Calm before the storm

A short post for now because honestly I don't know how much I have to say about this but I feel like I should say something.

Evidently, today I'm getting more news back that could potentially alter my future path-more than the usual anyways.

I remember this day about 8 months ago really well. It was the heat of summer, I was about halfway through my summer internship and volunteering opportunities. I got the email at work but had to wait about 2 hours to commute home before I knew anything for sure.

I am not sure how I feel right now. My heart skipped a beat when I realized that today was the day and now I am slightly nauseated...but it also doesn't feel as earth shattering as it did last summer. Maybe it's because my future plans are not as contingent on how this goes. Maybe because weddings and babies and all the other human events make this seem really small by comparison. I don't know.

I guess then that I am feeling nervous but the crippling anxiety is missing. I guess because I know I will graduate, I will be in school next year-all of those things. Today is just a day and life will go on.

When did 'emotions' and 'failure' become dirty words?

A short post because I need to go to bed soon.

I was recently writing something for a project that I can't really talk too much about. But I can tell you that I had to confront a time in my life when things really were not going well. When I felt powerless and hopeless. I was looking back on old blog posts from that time to see if past-me had more eloquent ways of saying things.

I had written nothing.

I also had never acknowledged what was happening in my journals really or in any subsequent blog posts. I had literally never written about what I still consider the hardest, most emotionally draining period of my life. It is a time that was basically burned into my memory. It's a time that I carry with me as a talisman and say to myself 'I survived that, which means that I can survive anything.'

It's a hard thing to acknowledge really. That some part of my life wasn't smooth and effortless. Honestly, it still hurts to think about it now, years after the fact. At the time, I was grateful that nobody saw my tears or knew about my weakness. And after it was done, I put those thoughts and feelings away in a drawer.

But that's the thing about pain...'it demands to be felt'. Sooner or later, it will come out.