What is the "rhythm" of your life?

Recently, a video by Ze Frank caught my attention. Ze discusses how most things in life have inherent rhythm, outside of the obvious examples of music. Speech, comedy and even life itself fits into a cycle of ebbs and flows. He identifies three main mechanisms of jokes. The first is expectation, the explanation the comedian gives to the audience, the context, the setup. The second is the silences, the moments endowed by the comedian for the audience to process a certain unit of comedy. And he considers finally the surprise, the brutal punchline and the satisfactory resolution of all its precedents.

Ze broadens the discussion by postulating that in many ways our lives follow similar cycles. And similar to the comic's perceived skill is in balancing the three elements, so too does our happiness depend on our balance in our life.

And what a tenuous balance it is. Similarly to Ze I distinctly remember consciously developing my knowledge of rhythm. When I was in 4th grade, I was told that I needed to practice my syncopation as well through a torture device known as "The Rhythm Book". As a budding Classical musician it was absolutely imperative that I learned how to divide rhythm mathematically to the point that it was almost second nature(though for anyone who ever actually heard me play that never actually happened :P).

But from what I've seen so far, life-rhythm is much more unprecedented and intuitive than trying to play three notes against four. It's not nearly as precise as music and while there is inherent structure, I'm not sure whether we can truly call it rhythm. Musical rhythm is supposed to be precise and mathematical even if the delivery(i.e. Jazz) is not. Rhythm by nature is predictable and life is anything but.

But I think the "rhythm" vein of thought is an interesting one to consider(even if I don't agree with it wholeheartedly). Ze poses the question to the audience of "What is the rhythm of your life and are you happy with it?"

According to Ze, the life-cycle analogy of expectation is supposedly regularity; jobs, traditions etc, habits. Silence is "the ability to live between the beats, to be quiet" and Surprise is "the ability to try new things and become uncomfortable." The key is to balancing those three elements to lead a happy life and if you let one dominate, the entire thing falls apart.

So what is my rhythm? Anyone who knows me knows that I have the expectation down to an artform. New England born and bred, we have tradition here in spades. But I also do consider my family, school work and swimming things that have grounded me and I can't really see that changing ever. And as an introverted person by nature I can keep myself entertained and would usually prefer to stay in with a cup of tea and Sherlock episodes than go out to a club. But then that leads into the element of surprise. I don't think I'm unique in having issues with trying new things and being uncomfortable. It is a far easier thing for me to lounge around on my bed and watch BBC dramas than it would be for me to walk into a crowded bar and strike up a conversation with a stranger. But the fact that "surprise" has its own category suggests that it is equally as important as traditions and silence, an implication that I agree with even if I have difficulties executing. How else would you find ways to grow?

I guess in summary I am very grateful for the fact that traditions and solitude are things with which I am inherently comfortable. I feel like I'm in a good place with those. But for this future school year(and I never thought I'd ever say this), but I want to be more uncomfortable. Viva la vida.

What's the rhythm of YOUR life?

500 Days of Wellesley

College is a lot of being alone, with other people

Somehow, I am now going into my junior year of college. Somehow, two years have passed by since I packed my car for the first time and headed to the gates of the illustrious Wellesley College.

Two. Years.

In terms of my entire lifespan, it's not a huge chunk of time to be sure but it has been half of my college career. Thinking back on it, I suppose I have acquired a peculiar set of skills from my time at Wellesley. Given enough time and resources, I can perform a Western Blot for you. Supposedly, if you plop me into a boat I can conceivably make it move in the direction I want it to go(though at times that's questionable). I can solve murder mysteries using formal analytical Logic(it's always the butler). I can write you pages about Ancient Greek temple architecture and even more pages about soil rhizospheric microbial communities (read: dirt.) I can cut up baby pigs and poison cell cultures. I can ask you to marry me in Japanese and can talk to you for twenty minutes about the dichotomy of representation of Asian women in media and its societal implications. I can tell you, in excruciating detail, about flesh-eating bacteria and necrotizing faciitis. I can even do my own laundry now!

I have been trying to write this post for a really long time but I still don't really know what to say. I feel like I'm supposed to have some kind of mystical knowledge by virtue of having spent two years doing what I'm doing and being where I have been. I feel like I should have some worldly knowledge about life and the universe that I can write about here and explain in great detail. I feel like I should have some sentimental message, just waiting to be wrapped up with a bow and packaged for your consumption. But really, I don't. I just have endless of amounts of questions, questions that had been percolating beneath the surface of my consciousness for the last month or so but haven't really had the time or courage to confront. What's going to happen next semester? What about after Wellesley? What's next? Have I done right by myself by being here?

All the questions and very few(if any) of the answers.

College has always seemed like it is beacon, a place where you go from being a kid to being an adult, whatever that means. It's supposed to a place that prepares you for "the real world" (as though the world I was living in before was 'unreal'!). Being halfway done with this process, impending adulthood is something that occupies my mind much more than it did a year ago. I often wonder if I am in any better a position now than I was two years ago to face whatever challenges I may encounter in the future. What's going to happen when I leave?

I will not lie to you-I have felt tested every single day that I have been here. It was like every lecture had the same challenges; why are you here? why do you want this? how badly do you want this? This school has tested the strength of my conviction to my studies every day. And over the course of my time here, I still feel like it has raised many more questions than it answered-Is it worth it? Am I any better off now than I was then? Does what I'm doing even matter?

I often think about the girl that walked into Pomeroy 212 two years ago. The difference between who I was when I first started college and the person I am to today is tangible and real. It's something I can attempt to quantify, but for the life of me I cannot tell you how it happened. I think I always imagined that it would be as if a lightning bolt struck you and you became immediately and irrevocably awesome but I can't pinpoint any one moment in time where I made a conscious decision to become something 'other'.

College has been weird and definitely not what I expected. I don't think I've ever been more alone in my life and I don't mean that in a brooding cry for help kind of way. You are constantly surrounding by people but they aren't as concerned about you as it seemed people were in high school. And they're not doing this to be cruel to you, they're just busy living their own lives. Parents are accessible but not immediately so but this combination is just kind of bizarre. It's like a study of how you can best be by yourself, with other people-which is odd to say the least.

The summer before I left for Wellesley, I had a teacher tell me that life is like the scene in the Wizard of Oz. The gang came upon a fork in the roads and deliberated about which one was the right road to take. But because both were yellow and brick, they would both eventually lead to the Emerald City. So if anything, I guess it's worth putting in perspective that this is only the first of many forks in the journey. I'm curious to see where it all leads to and I hope you are too.

Ruhlman Reflections

Let's be honest, I did it for the name tag.

(Author's note: This is a brain dump. It will likely not be eloquent because I'm not really going to edit it).

Last Wednesday, I took another item off of my Wellesley bucket list by presenting at the Ruhlman Conference.

Similar to the Tanner Conference, held in the Fall, Ruhlman focuses on student work from the school year. A couple groups from my American Studies class(AMST 151: The Asian American Experience) decided to form a panel entitled "Cultural Crossroads: Redefining the Asian American Experience" where we would present our term projects. Mine dealt with the way that Asian women were portrayed in mainstream media. I might put up my powerpoint up for download later if you really want it :P

I didn't really have an expectations of how this conference was going to work but everyone had the day off from classes. I presented in Pendleton West at 9:30 in the morning. Considering how I slept through Ruhlman last year my friends(about 10 of them) are actually the best for coming and supporting me. It reminded me that I wasn't really alone and despite how it felt 24 hours prior to that moment, there were people here who cared about me and wanted to support me.

 I had been nervous that I wasn't going to get through my presentation despite the fact that I knew the presentation inside and out. Communicating orally is definitely harder than communicating through words. It's so much easier to go back an edit written words until you're satisfied but when you give a presentation or interview, you need to right the first time. Funny, after years and years of performing on stage, this is still something that scares me a bit haha.

I got an excuse to be an uber-Wendy that day

When I was giving the presentation though, I felt really in control of the situation and I think it flowed well. Looking back, I think I really needed something to go well and make me feel like I knew what I was doing in an otherwise awful week so I was really glad that it did.  It was bizarre presenting in the social sciences when so much of my work has been concentrated in STEM subjects("hard sciences") lately but I definitely don't regret the decision. The presentation had so much relevance to my actual life. The pressures to be perfect, to have it all and make it seem absolutely effortless. I think that's why I first picked this topic because it resonated with me so much and I hope it resonated with the audience as well. To present about how Asian females were at such elevated risk of suicide and mental illness helped put things into perspective a little bit. I think it helped me remember a little bit that stressing about the standards that I've set for myself is actually really harmful, and that it just simply isn't worth it.

And then I went and had a baller sail at MIT so...winning? 

I don't know what to say.

The starting line in Hopkinton, MA(4/15/2013)

I'm sitting in my room in Tower Court. I can hear the Macklemore concert in the background but I couldn't bring myself to go and watch the show. Why? Because something terrible has happened in the city of Boston today.

Today, our hearts broke when we heard the news of what happened. Today, I watched the city of Boston burn, I watched people flee in terror and I saw blood splatter the sidewalks that  I've walked many times before.


My time in Hopkinton isn't something that has come up a lot(if at all on this blog or at my time here at Wellesley). It simply wasn't relevant until now. But I'd like to share a few things about my fair little hometown.

Hopkinton, MA is the starting line of the Boston Marathon. It is a sleepy little town that people only hear about regularly because of the marathon. It's one of the few events that the entire town can really get behind wholeheartedly as a community. Hillers(as Hopkinton-dwellers are called) will no doubt remember that the marathon is kind of integral to our identity. Today, I think every single member of my HHS class(that I'm still facebook friends with anyways) had an extremely visceral reaction to the events because I think we all have really fond memories of the marathon. I saw status updates from people in California, Delaware, Michigan...basically everywhere. It was like everyone who had lived in Hopkinton for most of their lives(like yours truly), just had this immediate, knee-jerky, gut wrenching reaction to the news-no matter where you were, no matter how long ago you left the town. It was just so gosh darn personal. Who doesn't remember all the Kenyan runners coming to visit the schools, running through the dry ice, just so that we could talk to them as 2nd and 3rd graders? Or that different clubs would wake up at the crack of dawn to fundraise by selling Krispy Kremes on the lawn in front of the gazebo on the Town Common/Center School? Quite frankly, I don't think that any town cared as much about the Marathon as we did; it's just a fact. It was a much bigger part of our culture than it was in other towns and I loved that. The Marathon represented a lot of things for us, I think. April vacation, the beginning of Spring or what have you, I think we can all agree that it was a pretty hopeful time of year.

I will never get this image out of my head.

But today, someone put all of that in jeopardy. The footage was rolling endlessly on all of the news stations and everytime I saw it, I felt like someone had stabbed me in the gut. I think regardless of personality, people who live in and around Boston love the city irrevocably and with complete abandon. Nobody ever thinks that something like this will happen to their hometown but I think that I can speak for all of us when I say that watching the city burn was one of the most terrifying experiences I've ever had and I was only watching it on TV, recognizing streets that I walked down before. Watching it made me absolutely sick to my stomach that something like that would happen. It didn't seem real and for the first while after the news came in, I didn't believe it. When the said the president had been briefed that this may be a terrorist act, I wondered "Why? This can't be real, it couldn't possibly have been real." I have lived in Boston my entire life and this has never happened and frankly, I never thought it could. I can not imagine what it would have been like to be there; I assume it was jarring beyond compare.

A few of my best friends were there at the finish line today and I am so thankful that they are safe and sound. I can't help but thinking that not everyone was so fortunate. What happened today was truly awful. And I know that someone who reads this will no doubt say "well this type of thing happens everyday in some places" to which I respond "But not Boston. Never Boston." It's supposed to be some kind of safe haven; I mean, I guess we annoy people by being awesome at sports but we've never really done anything malicious that should justify this.

Christ, what have I written? I guess I'm just shocked and confused and sad and I don't really know how a day that started off so jovial could end in such tragedy. As of right now, 3 people died and around 200 are injured severely. I know that the numbers will only grow, in spite of our world class hospitals. Without a doubt, my thoughts will be with those who were at the finish line, I hope you return home safely wherever home is.

Tiff's Wellesley Bucket List

Upon entering our fair college, all Wellesley students are given the following list of activities to achieve. This seems as good a time as any to re-evaluate the trajectory of my Wellesley experience. So without further ado....

50 Things to Do Before You Graduate

1. Run naked across Severance Green.
1. This has not happened yet and actually I highly doubt it will ever happen.
2. Get 12 hours of sleep in one night.
1. This has happened...just not during the school year. 
3. Go stepsinging.
1. Accomplished: First year Convocation, word. 
4. See the campus from the top of Galen Stone Tower.
1. Actually, I really want to do this still so yes let's keep this on the list. 
5. Walk around Lake Waban with a friend.
1. Done. Next?
6. Have a party in your room for no reason and invite everyone you know.
1. I'm actually kind of scared someone will call Po on me so this will probs not happen. Also, I live in a closet. 
7. Skinny-dip in Lake Waban.
1. I have gotten in Waban for sailing purposes...does that count?
8. Read a book that isn't required and that doesn't have anything to do with your major.
1. This happens a lot so I think we're all set. 
9. Pull a non-academic all-nighter.
1. Did this accomplishing number 8; next. 
10. Go traying on Severance Green.
1. HAS NOT HAPPENED YET AND I AM DISAPPOINTED. 
11. Write a letter to the editor.
1. Haven't found something I cared about enough to put in the effort to really make it great. 
12. Attend one sporting event for each Wellesley athletic team .
1. ...well I went to a swim meet once?
13. Admit you don't know everything.
1. I thought that was obvious.
14. Have a little too much to drink at a department party and start a singalong with your favorite professor.
1. Haven't yet but the science lipsync for some people....
15. Eat nachos at the Hoop.
1. Also haven't yet...maybe I will. I don't really like nachos though.
16. Get a Little Sister.
1. I probably will next year. Being a little sister to several people though...we're kind of needy.
17. Eat in all the dining halls in one day.
1. hahahahahaha this was achieved like a long time ago. 
18. Send an e-mail to someone who is sitting in the same room.
1. GChat is a thing but I'm sure this could be a thing too.
19. Buy candy in El Table to eat during class.
1. Actually haven't been in El Table...that should probably change. 
20. Let a prospective sleep on your floor.
1. I will once I move out of the closet.
21. Become the ultimate fan of at least one Wellesley sports team.
1. ...swimming? Or sailing :P
22. Stay for Wintersession.
1. Let's not.
23. Be the subject of a psychology experiment.
1. Accomplished during during my first year  Fall.
24. Nominate a professor for the Pinanski Prize.
1. Again, haven't had someone absolutely change my life but when I do I will definitely do this
25. Swing next to the Chapel.*
1. This doesn't exist anymore. I wonder what we should replace it with?
26. Attend Senate. Say something.
1. I feel like I'd be too scared to.
27. Go tunneling.
1. Also hasn't happened yet but I want it to.
28. Try dorm or class crew on the lake.
1. mm haven't yet but I've kayaked and sailed?
29. Visit the observatory.
1. I've walked past it?
30. Become a regular at CVS.
1. Again, accomplished a while ago. Next.
31. Go to a Shakespeare Society production.
1. I want to so badly!
32. Go ice skating on Paramecium Pond.
1. Not sure if it ever gets frozen enough.
33. Declare your own personal Lake Day.
1. I...actually have no idea if this will ever come true. 
34. Go trick or treating at the president's house.
1. Done last fall.
35. Nap in the library.
1. Teehee.
36. Start a dorm war.
1. ???
37. Stage a protest.
1. I really don't have anything to protest at the moment.
38. Join an organization.
1. Seriously? Why is this on the list? 
39. Go to a frat party.
1. Rather not. 
40. Write a paper in 13-point New York.
1. I feel like this reference went way over my head.
41. Learn to fake a Boston accent.
1. Um...
42. Attend an on-campus party.
1. Done.
43. Voluntarily attend a lecture.
1. Does going for sushi count?
44. Take a day off and be a tourist in Boston.
1. Done! (kind of)
45. Primal scream.
1. This is past my bedtime.
46. Cheer at the Boston Marathon. See if you can get a runner to kiss you.
1. Well we'll see how tomorrow goes though I don't relish getting kissed by strangers.
47. Go to a commencement other than your own.
1. Planning on going this year
48. See at least one a capella concert.
1. Hosted the Tupelos, next?
49. Listen to WZLY.
1. DONE.
50. Ride in a Campus Po Car. (Lights and siren are a bonus.)
1. DONE.

If Life were like a lab manual

Camellia sinensis broth protocol

Camellia sinensis broth is an aromatic solution with vaguely medicinal properties. Commonly consumed by the British, many Asians, as well as hipsters trying to be pretentious, this broth is widely used to calm anxiety and is widely accepted as having magical properties. 

Reagents:
H2O liquid buffer, maintained at pH=7
15% lipid content homogenized, heat treated cream
Solid saccharose(C6H12O6)

Preparation of C. sinensis sample
1) Using a mortar and pestle, grind 5-10g of C. sinensis leaves into a powder. 
2) Transfer sample to a .1mm pore size silk filter
3) Seal filter bag completely. 

Preparation of C. sinensis broth
4) Heat H2O liquid buffer(pH=7) to 95C
5) Submerge C. sinensis sample into the buffer.
6) Incubate at room temperature for 4 minutes.

7) Remove sample from the buffer and discard in appropriate waste receptacle.
8) Reheat solution to 80C
9) Vortex to mix thoroughly.

10) Using a volumetric pipette, add 2.5 mL of 15% lipid content cream into solution
11) Using a magenetic stir bar, mix solution until homogeneity is reached.
12) Add 6.0g of solid saccharose(C6H12O6) into solution
13) Mix until all saccharose has been completely dissolved into the solution. 
14) Maintain solution at 80C. 

On "Reverse Discrimination" and Wendy Quiet

A month or so prior to the writing of this blogpost a Facebook page entitled "Wendy Quiet" was established amongst the Wellesley community. Students and alumnae were encouraged to "send in secrets" and other messages that they wanted to be broadcasted but remain anonymous. What started out as a useful outlet for general frustrations about the college/life or even small encouraging messages quickly turned into a vitriolic rant-fest of epic proportions. Not only were several groups on campus targeted, so too were major demographics such as heterosexuals and first years. (Side note: I would like to point out that if someone were to bring those posts to the administration[even though they are anonymous], they would be considered hazing, which is not something the college takes lightly.)

Most recently was the post about "reverse discrimination" which received(in my humble opinion) a lot of really violent backlash from people, as though they couldn't possibly fathom why someone might feel like they were being "reverse discriminated" against.

For the record, no-I did not send that in to Wendy Quiet.

I do however understand where they might have been coming from.

The activist culture at Wellesley is very vibrant and very vocal. If someone things you are being privileged(by not being accepting of those of another sexual orientation, class, race, gender etc), you will IMMEDIATELY be informed of their thoughts, and most of the time not in a respectful way. There was even an instance where someone wanted to be a stay at home mom and was subsequently called "a waste of a Wellesley education". While I think that it was a bit of a misuse of the term "Reverse discrimination", it's understandable that some people may feel that they are being penalized for being born into a life which makes them more privileged or more sheltered than other students at the school.

While I completely support peoples differences in being, thought and action, being disrespectful to your peers is something I absolutely can not condone. Nothing, not your sexuality, gender, class or ethnicity gives you the right to treat your peers disrespectfully. And to be clear, if this were the reverse case where it weren't minorities being volatile, you can be absolutely sure that I would be saying the same thing. You are allowed to be think/act/be any way that you see fit, but you are not allowed disrespect others because they are different for you. Just because you're responding to a majority does not give you the right to patronize them and it does not make issues they have less legitimate. (edit: also, I have posted to that group 3 times(not telling you which) and each time I have gotten roughly 40 likes by members of the LGBT*QIA community and straights alike so you cannot tell me my experience is not legitimate). I'm not really sure what the posters were trying to achieve with lashing out the way that they did. Respect is a two way street which a lot of people seem to be forgetting.

It's really quite unfortunate that the page evolved the way that it did. I think that having the knowledge that you were not alone in your struggles here was invaluable for some students. There were posts about feeling alone, feeling like not fitting in, feeling not good enough. These feelings I think were really helpful as a reminder that everyone is struggling here, that no one was perfect. It was a great platform for humanizing the community again, which I think was the creator's intention. It's sad that people couldn't find a better way to vent their frustrations in a more productive way.

So what does this say about Wellesley? The past month has demonstrated that, given enough time the Wellesley community ultimately succumbs to hatred and is unable to sustain a supportive network when you hear what the students are really thinking about one another. Frankly, I think that's part of the reason people have such negative feelings about the school environment; people are spewing negative energy at eachother like it's absolutely nothing and no one is calling them out for it. While we like to think of Wellesley as the liberal, progressive and accepting place, I think this shows that we still have a lot of work to do because the student body is still ultimately divided to a certain extent.

To the creator of the page, it was a good idea. Just crappy timing. I hope we as a community can work through this.