One Month Out

On May 29th 2015, the Golden Class became the youngest group of alumnae in the W network.

For approximately 90% of the school year, Graduation was how we kept eachother motivated. We all reassured eachother that it would be coming soon, that soon it would all be over. And then it was.

To quote an author whom I respect very much, it happened much like "the way you fall asleep: slowly and then all at once". One moment we were all struggling to make it through finals and then suddenly we were climbing those steps and crossing that stage.

Out of all of my time at Wellesley, the week leading up to graduation was certainly the most surreal. On one hand, it felt like we had finally arrived at this moment after years of hard work, everything was finally in place. On the other hand, it felt like we were playing dress up and just going through the motions of century-old traditions. What right did we have to be singing the alma mater at Baccalaureate? (That's for grown ups!)

One month out, the fervor of that time is starting to dissipate. Immediately following the ceremony, we packed our bags and headed out from campus. Some people went to travel the world, some moved to new cities, others started new jobs-all very much excited and nervous at the same time. The world is still spinning although we left, which is very good sign of things to come.

As for myself, I have halfway processed what is going on. While it doesn't really seem right that I won't be heading back this fall, I am ready to move forward to something new. I hope in the years to come that the darkest times will become like a bad dream and the good will forever be cemented in my memory. I'm hoping that in five years time I can greet the campus like an old friend.

But for now, goodbye and good luck to all.

An Open Letter to the Class of 2015

Over the past four years, Wellesley has been so much more than just a school for us; it has been a home and a place of profound growth both in and out of the classroom. It has brought a group of 600 very different students together, allowed us to explore different academic fields, cultures and perspectives and given us a vision of the adults that we hope to be. Looking back on our careers, it is easy to be cavalier about how we achieved what we did-we just woke up like this (flawless). However, we all know that this moment did not come easily. All students have fought battles to be here and I commend each and every one of you.

When I got my acceptance letter from Wellesley, I had the same reaction that I think a lot of my peers had. First came the natural joy and disbelief that Wellesley had wanted me in the first place. And then I saw the little magnet that was included in my Welcome Package and I thought to myself “...Yellow?” I had been hoping to emulate my sister’s class of regal purple but would have taken literally any color but yellow. It was so obnoxiously bright and persistent. Over the years however, the color has won my respect. Yellow is a color meant to make you notice and if we expand our reach to include gold, it is one of the most flexible and precious materials we have. There is a method in Japanese ceramics called kintsukuroi, whereby fragmented pottery is repaired by filling the cracks with gold. It relies on the understanding that although something may have suffered damage, it does not lose its value and instead can become stronger and more beautiful for having been broken. Gold both fortifies and transforms the ordinary into something extraordinary; needless to say that I now think it is the perfect color to represent our class.

In the past four years together, the Class of 2015 has seen some major changes-the abolishment of the Riverside bus in favor of service to Harvard Square and MIT, the opening of a new Dunkin Donuts and Boloco in the Ville, the induction of a new Asian American studies minor, and most recently the adoption of a new gender-inclusive admissions policy. We have weathered storms together (literally)-hurricane Irene during Orientation, Nemo and the snowpocalypse of 2015 during which we broke the record for snowiest winter in Massachusetts.

But it has not been all donuts and sledding. During our time together, we have seen our world, our country and even the city of Boston ripped apart by violence, intolerance and hatred. From a more personal perspective are the daily uphill battles that we fought both mentally and physically-anxiety, depression, eating disorders. These were born out of the belief that we were not good enough to be here, and the fear that we may never be good enough to deserve Wellesley.

I think every Wellesley student has asked themselves the same question: ‘Did I make the right choice?” After hearing me talk about my experiences here, a lot of people did ask, “Why did you choose to stay?” Every Wellesley student that I have ever talked to about this has said the same thing: the people. In our acceptance letter, we were told that among us was a trapeze artist, an Olympic equestrian-to-be and while those are certainly interesting and impressive, I have met both of those students and I can tell you that that their novelty is not their most valuable quality.

I have seen moments of compassion flourish in the most mundane places-in laboratories and libraries, in org meetings and team practices, in dining halls and residential halls. It is the small and ordinary acts of kindness that have forged the most lasting friendships and allow us to save each other a little bit everyday. You would be amazed at the power a conversation over a sandwich, nachos or beer can hold. It is these friendships that give us the motivation to put ourselves out there, to write the extra page, to go that extra mile. And you can’t find them at just any school. I sometimes think of Wellesley as a crucible. Like the metalworking tool, Wellesley has been a high-pressure environment for the members of the Golden class. But also like the metalworking tool, it is the necessary first step in creating something exceptional.

I often think about the girl that my parents dropped off at Wellesley four years ago. Her greatest aspiration was to quietly earn her 4.0, make it look effortless and go by otherwise unnoticed. (Spoiler alert: none of those things came to fruition). She was shy to speak up in class, avoided all conflict when possible and did not make friends easily. In an interview for an org, I distinctly remember being asked to list three topics about which I could argue an opinion and an e-board member of my choice whom I would hypothetically fight to the death. They were being somewhat facetious of course but I was mortified into silence at the thought of confronting another human, either verbally or physically. So, fast forward four years, to imagine that that girl could find the courage to address her peers would have been inconceivable. Yet here we are. It took me about two years to really hit my stride here, to figure out how to be on my own and how to be with others. My time at Wellesley has not been a smooth sail by any means, but the greatest gift that this school has given me is the confidence to stand up for what I believe is right and to denounce things that I believe are unjust-Wellesley has helped me find my voice.

I have absolutely no idea what the future holds in store for us. But I have seen what wonderful things you have all done during your time here and I want to urge you to continue being your wonderful selves. First, stay curious about the world. For many of us, Wellesley was the first experience we have had interacting with people of different beliefs, cultures, or sexual orientations. But I hope that it is certainly not your last and that you keep seeking that which is unfamiliar. Second, stay passionate about your causes because that means that you haven’t stopped thinking that things can change. But lastly, stay hopeful-because it means that you still believe that things can change for the better and I look forward to hearing stories in the years to come about how you made them better.

Congratulations again, to the golden Class of 2015, it has been my privilege to know you. 

Trying to find a way out of the labyrinth

So begins another week.

But I don't really want it to begin. There's lots of work to be done but I don't want to do it.

We're about to enter the first round of exams so I should be running in top form but frankly all I want to do is sit somewhere quiet by myself for awhile.

I think because it's such a crunch time that this is the last time I would want to take a break and be kind to myself....so that's exactly what I'm going to do. I don't know how much it will help but it certainly can't hurt right?

It's so easy to be judgmental and critical of ourselves. It's one of those times when I thought I was at least keeping my head above water and treading in place but now it feels like I'm going backwards while everyone else is going forwards. I don't know how much of the time that's actually justified but I figure that it couldn't possibly hurt to be kind to oneself.

Granted, it feels like such a short-term fix; the things that I want, that would make me feel more secure are somewhat out of my control. But spring is only a few weeks away, so there's that.

Calm before the storm

A short post for now because honestly I don't know how much I have to say about this but I feel like I should say something.

Evidently, today I'm getting more news back that could potentially alter my future path-more than the usual anyways.

I remember this day about 8 months ago really well. It was the heat of summer, I was about halfway through my summer internship and volunteering opportunities. I got the email at work but had to wait about 2 hours to commute home before I knew anything for sure.

I am not sure how I feel right now. My heart skipped a beat when I realized that today was the day and now I am slightly nauseated...but it also doesn't feel as earth shattering as it did last summer. Maybe it's because my future plans are not as contingent on how this goes. Maybe because weddings and babies and all the other human events make this seem really small by comparison. I don't know.

I guess then that I am feeling nervous but the crippling anxiety is missing. I guess because I know I will graduate, I will be in school next year-all of those things. Today is just a day and life will go on.

When did 'emotions' and 'failure' become dirty words?

A short post because I need to go to bed soon.

I was recently writing something for a project that I can't really talk too much about. But I can tell you that I had to confront a time in my life when things really were not going well. When I felt powerless and hopeless. I was looking back on old blog posts from that time to see if past-me had more eloquent ways of saying things.

I had written nothing.

I also had never acknowledged what was happening in my journals really or in any subsequent blog posts. I had literally never written about what I still consider the hardest, most emotionally draining period of my life. It is a time that was basically burned into my memory. It's a time that I carry with me as a talisman and say to myself 'I survived that, which means that I can survive anything.'

It's a hard thing to acknowledge really. That some part of my life wasn't smooth and effortless. Honestly, it still hurts to think about it now, years after the fact. At the time, I was grateful that nobody saw my tears or knew about my weakness. And after it was done, I put those thoughts and feelings away in a drawer.

But that's the thing about pain...'it demands to be felt'. Sooner or later, it will come out.

"We must try to live": A review of 'The Wind Rises'

(Disclaimer: I watched the Japanese version with English subtitles; a friend mentioned that the English dub is a bit heavier handed and some of the subtleties are obscured)

Hayao Miyazaki has been hailed as one of Japan's finest animators and artists of our time, bringing us such beautiful films as Spirited Away, Howl's Moving Castle and Kiki's Delivery Service. After creating a film for over three decades, The Wind Rises was Miyazaki's final film before announcing his retirement in September 2013 and was nominated for an Academy Award for "Best Animated Picture". Hayao Miyazaki has always had a certain fascination with flight, such as Kiki's broomstick and Howl's wizarding capabilities and the aircrafts of war, so it is not really surprising that his last film would follow suit. The film follows aeronautical engineer Jiro Horikoshi as he aspires to engineer the most beautiful airplane. The film begins with his childhood in a traditional Japanese household and ends with the test flight of his prototype in the rapidly industrializing nation before the start of World War II.

This is perhaps Miyazaki's most complex films both in terms of plot and character development. The film had a slow build for me in the first half. Although the 'goal' is introduced early on, in a similar way to most of his films, we see Jiro going through school and his company faces failure after failure. It isn't immediately apparent how the protagonist is going to achieve his goal and what's more, the aforementioned 'goal' doesn't even seem to be the driving force of the action. Throughout the film, we see relationships being built and scenes that aren't serving immediately to bring him closer to his dream. Furthermore, because the film is a biopic it is the first film that is based in reality rather than in the fantastical. Audiences are meant to relate to what's going on on the screen rather than use the film to escape the mundane as they have before. In many of his previous films, a quest is outlined for the protagonist and is eventually resolved at the end of film with all problems being solved. In The Wind Rises, the plot is much more bittersweet and in my opinion, realistic. At the same time that something wonderful happened for Jiro, something terrible happened as well. But despite that, we are not meant to think that the end of the film was the stopping point for the characters. Rather, we as viewers were privileged to see a part of his life that continued after the film. Although tragedy strikes, it is not the end of Jiro's life-he simply goes on. The great exception to the film's reality of course are the dreamscapes, which remind me of whimsical versions of the dream palaces we see in Sherlock. These times allow Jiro to predict and solve problems in design as well as 'meeting' people, like his idol, an engineering virtuoso by the name of Caproni. Nevertheless, the film remains grounded in the fact that for the most part it is trying to portray a time and place that really existed.

It also attempts to portray people that really existed. Although there was of course some creative license with the characters, there was actually an engineer named Jiro who designed airplanes for the military. In a slight departure from his other films,  I didn't find any one character to be compelling in particular. Jiro is portrayed as the dreamer but lacks some of the charisma of Howl or Ashitaka; Naoko is beautiful and sweet but isn't feisty like Kiki. But rather than creating one character to bear the weight of the film on their shoulders, I think that Miyazaki effectively shows many nuances of human nature that he simply could not do in any of his other films. In many ways, the characters uniformly feel more mature, which will certainly resonate with older audiences. While there have been adults in the other films, they are usually they are depicted as evil or petulant. In previous cases, many of the protagonists are children and the film is their bildungsroman but we do not see them after they've  come of age. The characters in The Wind Rises are mainly adults and deal with situations that I think a lot of young adults can relate to- like rerouting a dream, persistence despite failure and especially losing a loved one. I especially think that he shined at showing compassion in the face of adversity: friendship in spite of professional competition, love in spite of the inevitable end. It is the ordinary small moments that I think make the film so extraordinary. The film is not built on cinematic shots and encounters with magical beasts, but rather on subtle moments like Jiro not being able to control tears falling onto his designs or holding his wife's hand while he continues to work late at night. Rather presenting than a one dimensional hero or heroine on a quest, the film seeks to show a time and place-which is refreshing but also made a strong impression.

Joe Hisaishi returns to score the film with the Yomiuri Symphony Orchestra. Admittedly, I had to go back and find the soundtrack online because it is so secondary compared to the film action itself. That is not to say that the music was not important to the overall film but compared to how different the film itself, the score is much more prototypical of Hisaishi's other work. However, it is notable that Hisaishi chose to use a guitar as the solo instrument for many of the tracks as opposed to the piano. Although many of his works have been transcribed for guitar, I think this is the first to use it in the original score. The use of guitar in conjunction with that of an accordion ties the film strongly to the European musical tradition, which is fitting considering how much of the film is spent idolizing German and Italian engineering innovation. In one reiteration of the main theme, Hisaishi makes use of the brass section and drums to underscore the military aspect of the film toward the end of the film. I'm actually a little surprised he didn't use more wind instruments but perhaps that is a little too obvious a choice. Personally, there is no one memorable ear-worm melody that I can pick out at random and I am not likely to listen to the soundtrack out of the context of the film-it doesn't really make sense without the screenplay. However, the music nicely supports the overall feel of the film as a whole.

The Wind Rises is quite a departure from the Miyazaki's past work and many critics have noted that the film seems to be reflective of Miyazaki himself, a myopic dreamer. When it was released, the film was highly controversial given that many parts of the world have not healed yet from the damage inflicted by the Kamikaze missions, conducted by airplanes engineered by the real-life Jiro. While I don't have enough a background in history to really comment on the political nature of the film, I found the film to be exceptionally complex compared to his previous work. If you were expecting the usual feel-good Studio Ghibli film à la Totoro, this is not the film for you. While still a beautiful artistic piece, The Wind Rises is not flashy and theatrical in the way that his other films have been but I think it is probably his most well-written film. The Wind Rises is both sentimental and poetic but not overly so-the perfect culmination to a long and distinguished career in animation. 

Onwards and Upwards.

It's hard to believe that my final term of my undergraduate career begins in less than a week. After the fervor of last week, things finally feel like they are settling a bit-though I know this is just the calm between the storms and by this time next week I am sure I'll be relishing the opportunity to sleep past 8.

Still, I'm not quite dreading the return to school the way that I usually do. But maybe that's because it never felt like I ever stopped working completely. Throughout break, I've been chipping away at various projects. It hasn't been an overwhelming amount of work but it has been steady. Although I don't have much to share with you yet, I am actually kind of amazed that all the things that needed to get done did.

Spring semester has never gone particularly well for me; we spend the first 60% shrouded in darkness and lethargy and then suddenly it's the end of March and both flowers and finals arrive. I've felt this pattern since high school but weirdly enough I don't feel that way about this year. We haven't had to be holed up in our houses because of ridiculous cold or snowstorms so it honestly feels like we're just inching closer and closer to spring and to sunshine. (Though of course now that I say that, we're probably going to have a Nor'easter tomorrow). It sounds so silly to be affected so profoundly by the weather but it actually helps me feel more like the spring is a continuation of sorts of the work that I've been doing so far, rather than a new and terrible obstacle to be overcome. Going back to my schoolwork isn't a prison or a terrible sentence, you just carry on like you have before.

How ironic that I finally figure out how to exist somewhere, right before I have to leave it.